Checklist if at hospital:
1. they will ask for dress to change out of hospital robe before handover.
2. if the cremation is same day, ice box may not be needed. if next day, you need ice box.
3. insurance dues (if under insurance) to be cleared before provisional death certificate is issued by hospital.
4. provisional death certificate provided by the hospital is needed by the crematorium
5. ambulance needed to transport from hospital to home. funeral services/crematorium can arrange for the ambulance from home to crematorium.
Ceremony and crematorium:
1. if sumangali, saree, nose ring, bangles, kumkum, manjal all to be adorned. even otherwise, atleast one gold coin to be sent along to crematorium
2. the body is bathed and adorned in fresh clothes, veebhuti and kumkum.
3. no one should cross only the rope is tied-signifies yama dharma raja taking the aatma on the final journey.
4. the grandson holds a small spark signifying a lamp meant to show the aatma the way
5. anyone can put vaaykku arisi -friends, family
6. only those men who have done kaaryam before can enter the crematorium. if someone else has to, they have to put a neideepam at a temple next day/shortly after.
7. people who went to the crematorium are supposed to be present the second day when the ashes are collected.
8. most crematoriums do not give slot beyond 5 pm. there might be a ceremony of about 45 minutes at crematorium. plan accordingly.
9. cash, death certificate, id card and copies to be carried to crematorium.
10. crematorium will issue a death certificate alongwith the ashes, ensure this is collected.
Some notes on various ceremonies day 1 through day 13/grekyam (short for gruha yagyam):
after the cremation is done, the house needs to be cleaned and someone who doesnt have theetu will do punyajanam of the house.
Sanjayanam: dissolving ashes in a water body. Kal oonaradhu is only done after this. The stove at home may be lit by anyone who doesnt have theetu only after this,
Kal oonaradhu: a stone is buried in a pot filled with mud and placed in a miniature hut with a pot of water hanging in it (said to keep the kallu/stone cool). In earlier days, this was done on a river bank but nowadays this is done either at home at a place where water can flow out freely or in a gnana vaapi (managed place for doing death rituals).
A cloth that was placed on the body before taking it to the crematorium and a sombu will need to be carried on all 10 days to where the kal oonaradhu has been done. they will be used in providing the water to the preta (referred as preta up until sapindi karnam happens on 12th day).
siddamalli tradition: a moksha deepam is to be lit at siddamalli temple within the first 10 days.
Garuda puranam can be read during these 10 days to understand the rituals and the soul's journey. a few links for the same:
https://archive.org/details/GarudaPuranamSanskritEnglish/page/n635/mode/2up
https://manblunder.com/articles/garuda-purana
Daily ritual post the kal oonaradhu includes the below:
The karta should not go out of the house for all 10 days except to the gnana vaapi and should not drive. I think this is meant to ensure there is no vignam in the 10 days karyam with respect to safety as the karta might be mentally stressed and grieving.
the same veshti is to be worn all days by the karta and is to be discarded post the 10th day ritual. they should not shave or cut their hair.
everything ashub/inauspicious applies on these days. cooking with open hair and dripping wet, with no bindi
no lighting of the lamp in the pooja room, no putting kolam either near god or outside the house and no pottu or kumkum should be worn by the ladies till the rituals are complete. The men can put dry vibhooti (not the one mixed with water). officially subasweekaram is done on 13th day when you apply kumkum and light the lamp in the pooja room at home.
At the gnana vapi:
everything done after snanam and while wet and with open hair.
the lady (daughter or daughter in law) will light the lamp and put a square kolam of 3 lines (unlike the 4 lines used for shubh/auspicious occasions) and not fill in the circle at the center.
the lady (daughter or daughter in law) will take a handful and half of rice and cook it and mash it and shape it into balls to make the pindams (one big and one small). the same person should be doing on all 10 days and the pindams should be consistent (of same size, should not break apart). so take care that the same person is available all 10 days.
the karta offers water to the preta (to cool the heat from the cremation). then the pindams are offered (one for morning and one for evening) with ghee, honey, milk, curd, til/sesame and water, coconut water for the preta to gradually grow the body needed for the next journey. every day signifies one part of that body growing. the pindams are then dropped into the nearby river or lake.
everyday, raw rice, vazhakkai and some dakshinai(50? 100? whatever you wish) is offered to a few brahmanas. (will check and confirm the exact count per day).
on returning home, wash your feet outside before entering the home and do a snanam.
meanwhile at home, a lamp is kept constantly lit for all 10 days-this is because the preta is lost and not sure where to go and is circling around people and places familiar to him/her and is afraid of the dark. An offering of water and milk is kept next to the lamp(changed twice a day, morning and evening). also, in the evening, an offering of the departed's favorite sweets is made everyday and then others at home can also eat them. (similar to neivedyam except this is for the aatma)
7th day oru sandhi bakshanam: 3 idli with dry milagai podi, 1 vadai and kesari is given to close family and friends in the evening.
pathu kottaradhu: finally on 10th day, the body is supposed to have developed completely at which point the preta is supposed to be voraciously hungry. hence on 10th day is the pathu kottaradhu which is offering huge amounts of food to the preta. however the food is made tasteless on purpose so that the preta loses interest in the food in this world and loses the attachment and leaves for their journey. people coming for pathu have breakfast and do snanam and then do pathu kottaradhu post which they have to do snanam as they are theetu till that point.
kuzhitarpanam is done by the daayadhis on this day. they must complete before the karta starts his ritual.
the kal and mini hut setup on kaloonaradhu is taken out on this day.
one more extra pindam is made on this day apart from the daily big and small ones. That is placed in a silver cup and then with the pathu kottinadhu. the silver cup is given to the daughter or the lady who made the pindams on all these days.
post the snanam after pathu kottaradhu, karta is presumed theetu only when they enter the gnana vapi and do the ritual and that goes after the snanam post snanam on 11th and 12th day.
normally the lunch on this day is offered by the daughter of the house.
a lamp is lit and carried back home. the lamp that was constantly burning at home is to be washed and cleaned and lit with the lamp that was carried back. that signifies the soul is no longer circling the loved ones and has proceeded on their journey. so there is no need to ensure the lamp is constantly lit after this and no more offering of the water and milk are needed.
in the evening, a learned pandit will come home and give a pravachan about the garuda puranam, the last rites/kaaryam and compose a slogam about the newly departed soul. this is like a wake in western tradition where people can also reminisce good memories of the aatma. we typically keep a photo of the person and flowers and the sermon lasts about 45 minutes to an hour.
on the 11th day, wash all the clothes that have possibly been touched during the 10 days and do a punyajanam of the house.
othan or a single person is offered food on this day and is said to be the departing soul. so we should not see him leave.
panchadasam/sodasha sraadham: to be done before the sapindi karnam. most people do this as a dattham with rice and plaintain. however, this can also be done like a full srardham with food offered to 15 brahmanas (the maasyams and oonamasyams sum upto 15). it could also be 16 if there is a month with 2 amavasais in it.
a male bull calf/rishabham/kaala kannukutti (signifying shiva or yama dharma raja? not sure) is also called on the 11th day to guide the soul.
12th day sapindi karnam(soundi karnam colloquially): this is the day the soul is united with its predecessors to go along on the journey. 3 brahmanas signifying the vishwedeva(the god's angel accompanying/chaperoning the soul), the 3 generations of predecessors and the newly departed soul are fed on this day. the rice used for the newly departed soul should be separate from the one for the vishwedeva and the predecessors. also, the full fledged sraardha samayal should be specified on this day as only the ingredients and items cooked on this day are allowed in srardhams going forward. so, inclusions(coconut, tamarind, red chilli, any fruit that you want to include?) and exclusions (like the vegetable and fruit left at kaasi, any bakshanams you do not want to make going forward) have to be specified to the person (s) cooking the meal for the 3 brahmanas. Also a sweet is made and taken from home-leave 80% at home and take the rest to be served to the brahmanas. The 80% at home is to be consumed by the family and dayadhis as sesham post the 12th day ritual.
an oblong pindam and one round pindam are made on this day. the oblong pindam is split into 3 parts signifying the 3 predecessors and the round pindam is smashed and joined with the 3 parts. this signifies sending off the newly departed soul with the predecessors to the aditya loka. however since there is only space for 3, the earliest predecessor is offered curd rice in a vessel and veshti and is sent off on their journey to the next loka, rudra loka to make way for the newest soul to enter the aditya loka journey. for example, say, grandfather, great grandfather and great great grandfather are the 3 predecessors and say, the father is the newly departed soul. the great great grandfather is sent on the journey to the next loka and the father joins the grandfather and great grandfather. From this point, the soul is no longer referred to as preta and is referred to as pitru.
all the daanams are done on the 12th day. this is according to the shraddha of the karta and nothing is too much or too less. even a rupee offered with shraddhai eases the journey of the aatma. so no pressure.
there are 12 sravanas on this day who are offered pithalai paatram or silver paatram each per karta's convenience.
daana saamaan list is below in the pictures:
a sodakumbam/sodambam is done at home after returning home and doing a snanam. the vaadyaar is offered food and theertha paatram and coconut water. sodamabam samaiyal is normal samaradhanai samayal and NOT sraardha samayal. some daanams are also given to the vaadyar and you can have food only once he has left your home.
13th day shuba sweekaram/grekyam(gruha yagyam): vaadyaar comes home and conducts rituals that signify a return to normal routine for the family. this includes applying kumkum, lighting the lamp near god, resumption of the kitchen et al. the water is consecrated in a ghatam and poured over the karta to signify completion of the last rites kaaryam and freeing them to proceed with normal routine. new clothes are bought for the immediate family (kids, grand kids, daughters in the family). sambandhis also buy clothes for the son in law or daughter in law.
peathi urundai is made on behalf of the grand daughters on 13th day (can be done on 10th day if there are folks who attend on 10th day but do not come on 13th day). one different kind of laddoo or urundai for each paternal peathi (eg. rava laadu, pottukadalai urundai, payathamaavu laadu, manoharam).
we generally invite all friends and family for lunch on this day.
Attaching notes from a very learned vaadyar too below, will update notes above too with the points from it.
