An excerpt from an email penned in 2011 for a friend and passed on to a relative in 2018. Adding here for reference for whoever needs it in the future.
Aarthi needs to be taken for all occasions by 2 ladies: 1 from each side(preferably bua/mami/any lady elder to groom and bride). For the aarthi,we dissolve a little bit of turmeric and limestone (used in paan) in water on a peetal plate.
Engagement/Nichiyadaartham:
Bride's side need to give varieties of dry fruits and fruits. Silver articles to be given include chandana pela (big bowl in which chandan can be dissolved and kept), kumkum chimizh(sindoor daani), silver plate. These articles should be handed over to groom's side and they will bring the same during wedding for use.
Other things to be given:
An idol or picture of kuldevta or any other God that the families believe in.
Dress(shirt and trousers or veshti/white dhoti),ring,chain for groom need to be bought by bride's side
Paruppu thengai: this is a must for all occasions. literally the word means lentil-coconut. It consists of a pair of conical structures made of sweet like boondi laddoo or coconut barfee or cashew chikki. You can ask in any of the Tamilian sweet shops like Adyar Anand Bhavan or Krishna Sweets and they will help.
1 pair of paruppu thengai cones is required for engagement occasion.
Therattu paal/Milk Khova: the sweet made of milk.
From boy's side: They will get dress for the bride; ornament is optional
Kalyanam/Wedding ceremonies:
Baraat ka swagat:
therattu paal/milk khova will be brought by both groom's side and bride's side and will be exchanged/will be used for welcoming.
You will also need garland for receiving the groom and other baaraat members (similar to North-Indian weddings in this aspect)
Nichiyadaartham/Wedding eve engagement:
1 pair of Paruppu Thengai cones
suit(same used for reception),bracelet/watch/
Saree for the bride
Wedding morning:
palthekara bakshanam: literally means sweets for brushing teeth :P.
The entire kit for morning ablutions like toothbrush,shaving kit,towel,soap, comb, mirror,etc. need to be given to groom. Bakshanam/sweets also need to be given on this occasion
Kaasi yaathirai/Kashi Yatra: The significance is that groom wants to become a sanyaasi but bride's father implores him to be, not give up his worldly duties and offers his daughter's hand in marriage. Walking stick, bhagwad geeta book, umbrella, slippers, handfan(visiri), veshti (ask for mayil kan cotton veshti) need to be given to groom for the Yatra.
Malai maatram/Exchange of varmala: The mama(s) of the bride and groom pick them up on their shoulders and the garlands are exchanged.
Oonjal/Swing ceremony: saree to be given to bride
Muhurtham/Muhurat:
Things to be given:
thaali/mangalsootra-one from groom's side, one from bride's side need to be made
9 yards saree (ask groom's side: varies according to tradition of families as to who needs to buy the 9-yards saree for the bride)
An idol or picture of kuldevta or any other God that the families believe in.
1 pair of Paruppu Thengai cones
kanyadaan by uncles/chacha or mama if dad is not present
The sister-in-law that is, groom's sister will be helping to tie the mangalsootra. So, you need to get saree for her. Additionally, you may choose to get some accessories for her but this is optional
need to get silver plate, panchapaathiram-utharni(cup and spoon) for groom
Other vessels as required-you may ask groom's side
After muhurat, you need to honour all groom's side relatives. this is called sambandi mariyaadai. We give the muhurtha pai/thank you bag consisting of coconut and paan leaves
gruha pravesham: Gruha pravesh at inlaws place.
shanthi muhurtham/first night:
1 pair of Paruppu Thengai cones
milk rice in muhurtham silver plate for the groom
silk veshti
saree for the bride
silver tumbler and sombu (vessel) for milk
fruits
bakshanam/sweets and savouries for wedding: You can sample these at any Tamilian sweet shop. You need to have atleast 2 varieties of savouries and 3 varieties of sweets like the below:
murukku/chakli(5 turns)
thenkuzhal
adhirasam
mysore paakku
laddoo
